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Author Topic: Official Joke Thread  (Read 41002 times)

GUMMO

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Re: Official Joke Thread
« Reply #210 on: January 17, 2014, 05:54:46 PM »

    I was standing at the  bar in a Kansas City Pub and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.
     
    I asked  him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"
     
    He says "No, why the fruck you ask me dat?  Is it cuz I Chinee?"
     
    "No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."

ballsack

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Re: Official Joke Thread
« Reply #211 on: January 29, 2014, 07:32:07 PM »
 8)
Some people can't sleep because they have insomnia. I can't sleep because I have Internet connection.

sam_gold

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Re: Official Joke Thread
« Reply #212 on: March 12, 2014, 01:14:25 PM »
TOP 20 ENGINEERS' TERMINOLOGIES
1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in the wind.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull!
14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15. ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. RUGGED - Too damn heavy to lift!
17. LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked.
19. ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off.
20. LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.


THE ENGINEER'S DICTIONARY
MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - Back to the drawing board.
DEVELOPED AFTER YEARS OF INTENSIVE RESEARCH - It was discovered by accident.
PROJECT SLIGHTLY BEHIND ORIGINAL SCHEDULE DUE TO UNFORSEEN DIFFICULTIES - We are working on something else.
THE DESIGNS ARE WELL WITHIN ALLOWABLE LIMITS - We just made it, stretching a point or two.
CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS BELIEVED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule that the customer was happy to get anything at all from us.
CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We should have asked someone else; or, let's spread the responsibility for this.
THE DESIGN WILL BE FINALIZED IN THE NEXT REPORTING PERIOD - We haven't started this job yet, but we've got to say something.
A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We don't know where we're going, but we're moving.
TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - It works, and are we surprised!
EXTENSIVE EFFORT IS BEING APPLIED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - We just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.
PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS ARE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only guy who understood the thing quit.
MODIFICATIONS ARE UNDERWAY TO CORRECT CERTAIN MINOR DIFFICULTIES - We threw the whole thing out and are starting from scratch.

ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST;
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked.
You...
A. Straighten it.
B. Ignore it.
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.
The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."


ballsack

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Re: Official Joke Thread
« Reply #213 on: March 27, 2014, 02:56:19 AM »
 ::)

mggrocks99

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Re: Official Joke Thread
« Reply #214 on: August 20, 2014, 02:51:00 AM »
Knock knock. Whos their? FUCK YOU - Some guy at that one con.