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Author Topic: Official Joke Thread  (Read 41780 times)

FUBAR!!

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RE: Official Joke Thread
« Reply #15 on: April 14, 2011, 06:32:04 PM »
Gary coleman gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man. Gary stares and says "You're the biggest man I have ever seen". The man nods his head, and replies "I'm 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm Turner Brown." Gary faints! After coming too, Gary asks the man to repeat himself.  So he does, "I said I'm 6 - 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown." Gary looked relieved and started laughing. "For a minute there, I thought you said 'Turn Around'."



The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"
« Last Edit: April 14, 2011, 06:35:54 PM by FUBAR!! »

Infestation of Evil

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RE: Official Joke Thread
« Reply #16 on: April 14, 2011, 09:49:36 PM »
A drunken bum is riding on the public bus one day while outside the weather is taking a turn for the worse.
Off in the distance he sees a nice-lookin brunette chick waiting at the next bus stop.
The bus pulls up and lets the lady aboard.

The bus driver says to her "Tickle your ass with a feather?"

"pardon me?" the brunette girl asks

"Particularly nasty weather?" says the bus driver

"Why yes, yes it is."

So the drunk bum starts roaring with laughter as she walks past his seat and sits a few rows down.

Drunk bum says to the bus driver "Goddamn mister! That's just fuckin hilarious, you gotta let me try that!"
Bus driver says "No way man, you'll screw it up"
So the drunk bum decides alright fair enough.

Up at the next stop the bum spies a dolled-up redhead gal who's trying her best to stay that way in the sudden downpour.
She eagerly boards the bus.

"Tickle you ass with a feather" the bus driver asks her

"Excuse me?" replies the redhead girl

"Particularly nasty weather?" the bus driver says with a grin

"Uh-huh, sure is"

Now the bum is laughing so hard that he damn near pisses his pants. He says to the bus driver "Oh holy shit man! The next one's mine! Hell, you gotta let me try that!

Bus driver says "Alright,alright, just don't screw it up"

No sooner does he say that, just then a pretty blonde girl who looks like she's braving hurricane-force winds comes into view.
The bus pulls to a stop, starts to open the door, and the poor wild-eyed lass practically lunges inside.

bum- "Hit you in the cunt with a brick?"

blonde girl- "WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!?!"

bum- "Looks like rain..."

FUBAR!!

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RE: Official Joke Thread
« Reply #17 on: April 15, 2011, 02:05:27 AM »
The Pot Paradox: An empty bowl needs to be filled, a full bowl needs to be emptied!




A light weight will say, "Take me home I'm stoned." An everyday toker will say, "Take me home I'm ripped. A stoner would say, "Take me stoned, I'm home." And the other person would reply, "Me stoned I'm too."
One day, a space ship landed in a farmer's field and a Martian man and his wife got out and introduced themselves to the farmer and his wife. As a token of his friendship, the farmer immediately invited the Martian couple in his home and begged them to stay for the evening and have dinner, so the Martians agreed.

Later that night, the Martian man explained how, on their planet, it was customary to swap partners as a token of friendship. The farmer, not wanting to offend his alien neighbors, readily agreed.

The Martian then man took the farmer's wife into one bedroom while the farmer took the Martian woman into another. They had been having sex for about an hour when the Martian man asked the farmer's wife, "Well, how do you like having sex with a Martian? How does it feel?"

The farmer's wife replied "It needs to be a little bigger around." So the Martian man twisted his right ear and presto, his penis became bigger around.

About an hour later, the Martian man asked the farmer's wife again "How does it feel now?"

The farmer's wife responded "I think it needs to be a little longer."

So the Martian man twisted his left ear and presto, his penis became longer.

The next morning, after their alien neighbors had left, the farmer and his wife were having coffee at the breakfast table and the farmer asked his wife "How was the Martian man?" To this, the farmer's wife replied "Fine."

"And how about the Martian woman?"

The farmer replied, "That damn bitch yanked on my fucking ears all night long!"
« Last Edit: April 15, 2011, 02:12:28 AM by FUBAR!! »

wolve

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RE: Official Joke Thread
« Reply #18 on: April 15, 2011, 08:00:56 AM »
I phoned the Suicide Helpline today.

I said, "I'm clinging onto the edge of a cliff and my arms are starting to tire".

She said, "Okay, hang on".

I walked in to find my Grandmother dead on the couch earlier.

I panicked, and frantically ran around the house, trying to find her will before anyone else came knocking.

Just received a text from my girlfriend:

I love you so much
oxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

I dumped her.
No one should be that passionate about stock cubes.


Is a dog a mans best friend because they both like to chase pussy?

My mum just had a stroke.

All I wanted was a goodnight kiss.

I Hate Bipolar,It's Awsome!!

GUMMO

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RE: Official Joke Thread
« Reply #19 on: April 18, 2011, 01:17:19 AM »
Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea , two prawns were swimming around. One was called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.

Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a
prawn; I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'

A large mysterious fish appeared suddenly and they realized it was a Cod. The Cod  said, 'Your wish is  granted' Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin began to realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he came upon the mysterious Cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends.

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal. 'Where's Christian?' he asked.

 'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend. Come out and see me again.'

Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'

Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've
changed.'.........
















(Are you ready for it?)




 

'I found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Christian'


Heather

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RE: Official Joke Thread
« Reply #20 on: April 18, 2011, 01:46:24 AM »
OMG! Thats funny!!!!!

GUMMO

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« Last Edit: April 18, 2011, 04:46:39 PM by MrDownerup »

wolve

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RE: Official Joke Thread
« Reply #22 on: April 18, 2011, 06:25:36 PM »
My therapist say's I have an obsession with revenge.
We'll see about that...

My mother was just about to walk in on me and my girlfriend having sex,
but we just managed to slip under the covers in time.
My mother looked at us and said: "Something's fishy in here..."

So I looked at my girlfriend and said: "I told you to wash it!"

I took a girl on a date and her father seemed to instantly dislike me.

When i dropped her off he said my attitude stinks.

'You should smell my fingers' maybe wasn't the best reply.

I was having a shit in some public toilets yesterday when this bloke burst in and started wiping my arse.

I said 'woah, woah! What do you think you're doing? Are you fucking mental!?'

'Yes' he said. 'I've got tissues.'

GUMMO

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RE: Official Joke Thread
« Reply #23 on: April 19, 2011, 10:43:41 PM »
A woman is sitting on the veranda with her husband having a glass of wine.
 
The woman says, “I love you”.
 
The husband asks, “is that you or the wine talking?”
 
She replies, “It’s me……talking to the wine”.   ROFL


 



 
 

 
 





 



 

 


 

 


 


 









 

 




 


 


 
 
 
 
 
 
« Last Edit: April 20, 2011, 01:39:12 AM by GUMMO »

wolve

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RE: Official Joke Thread
« Reply #24 on: April 19, 2011, 11:20:58 PM »
I never knew having an imaginary friend could be so problematic.

I opened a bank account for him, donated some of my funds, now I'm being done for tax evasion.

////////////////

two gentlemen asked me to go in their van today, told me they'd give me candies.

it was shit though, they only had meat flavoured lollipops.

//////////////

I was walking past a nursery the other day, there were a couple of kids out the front, building towers out of lego. I'd had a really bad day at work, so to vent some frustration I kicked one over.

5 minutes later and I've been arrested, apparently kicking children over is a crime...

/////////////

My dad never loved me as a child.

I can't blame him really.

I wasn't born until he was an adult.

wolve

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RE: Official Joke Thread
« Reply #25 on: April 22, 2011, 09:33:01 PM »
just been down on my grandma when i started to tatse horsecum

i was discusted and thought to myself "so thats how she died"

Infestation of Evil

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RE: Official Joke Thread
« Reply #26 on: April 23, 2011, 01:24:54 AM »
The Pope goes on a visit to South Africa, and he's travelling along,
in his Popemobile by the side of a large river. He happens upon
the scene of a black man in the river, struggling and screaming as he
tries to fight off a vicious crocodile. The Pope realises that
there's nothing he can do to help, when suddenly two white men leap into the
water, drag the man and the croc to land, and then beat the crocodile
to death with sticks.

The Pope is impressed. He goes over to where the two
men are standing next to the bleeding and unconscious black man and says,
"Congratulations. That was a most courageous and blessed act, I can
see that it's men like you who shall rebuild this country as an example
of racial harmony."

The Pope goes on his way. One of the men says "Who the hell was that?", and
the other replies "That was His Holiness the Pope, he's in direct communication with
God. He's Omnipresent & knows everything."

First guy says "Well he knows fuck all about Croc fishing, How's our bait doing?"

Heather

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RE: Official Joke Thread
« Reply #27 on: April 23, 2011, 01:31:46 AM »
hahahahahaha OMG!   :)

BalanceBeam

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RE: Official Joke Thread
« Reply #28 on: April 23, 2011, 01:42:53 AM »
I just found out something interesting about gay men.. THEY'RE ALL A BUNCH OF HORNY MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!
Seriously, get on yahoo chat, go to the adult sections, gay, tops and bottoms..
You'll feel famous!!!!
All the guys will wanna talk to you.. cause they feel like jacking off to your jacking off..
Kinda sick and disgusting right?
Well.. I just figured that out..
HEY! You might even discover your GAY side!!! :D
Good luck sexy people ;)
WHO'S PLAYING?

Heather

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RE: Official Joke Thread
« Reply #29 on: April 23, 2011, 01:57:35 AM »
They all ignored me  :(