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Author Topic: Official Joke Thread  (Read 41960 times)

wolve

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Official Joke Thread
« on: April 13, 2011, 04:20:32 AM »
[align=center]Rules[/i][/align]
NO DEAD BABY JOKES,THEY WILL BE DELETED AND YOU WILL BE WARNED

I was downloading a video from the net about how germs can cause flu.

I ended up with a streaming cold.

The police have arrested me for the murder of my wife saying it was a pre meditated attack,but Im pretty confident I will get off with it.

Ive never been to yoga in my entire life.

I Hate Bipolar,It's Awsome!!

prawdziwy 666

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RE: The Official Joke Thread
« Reply #1 on: April 13, 2011, 06:59:40 AM »
Mr Doctor how to recognize that i have a  memory loss???

I told you this yesterday
You need to laughing at everything, and especially at yourself

Welcome to Hell
a bad joke - Postal 1 the worst part of the Postal series xD


FUBAR!!

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RE: The Official Joke Thread
« Reply #2 on: April 13, 2011, 07:28:43 AM »
A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."

I have way to many more and not enough time to type them... but i'll keep em comeing.. :P



What a woman says...

This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!
----------------------------------------------------------------
What a man hears...

blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!


« Last Edit: April 13, 2011, 07:33:53 AM by FUBAR!! »

wolve

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RE: The Official Joke Thread
« Reply #3 on: April 13, 2011, 08:14:49 AM »
I'm trying to arrange a threesome with this mother and daughter I know.

I'm sure mum will be ok but my sister might need a bit more persuading.

FUBAR!!

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RE: The Official Joke Thread
« Reply #4 on: April 13, 2011, 08:44:45 AM »
A man and his four year old son are talking, when his son asks him "Dad, what does a pussy look like?" The Dad confused, asks him " before or after sex?" The kid says "Ummm before sex" So the dad says to him "Well have u ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red peddles." "yeah" says the son."well what about after sex" he says to his dad. His dad replies " Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"

OMG i can see myself getting locked from this thread blowing it sky high! i have hoarded a shit load of jokes in my pea sized brain for ages ok 24years but who's counting..

wolve

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RE: The Official Joke Thread
« Reply #5 on: April 13, 2011, 08:48:34 AM »
lol good one

FUBAR!!

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RE: The Official Joke Thread
« Reply #6 on: April 13, 2011, 09:36:42 AM »
thanks i'll keep em cumming rofl heres another...

Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board. "Does anyone know what this is?" She asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sure, my daddy has two of them!" "Two of them?!" the teacher asked. "Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy's teeth!"
« Last Edit: April 13, 2011, 09:38:11 AM by FUBAR!! »

wolve

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RE: The Official Joke Thread
« Reply #7 on: April 13, 2011, 10:27:33 AM »
Ive just read April is National Stress Awareness Month.

Oh brilliant, another bloody thing to remember. I cant keep on top of all this!

I tried shower wanking the other day, my laptop still hasn't fucking dried out!

"Ducks bill colour gives STD clue"

Thanks BBC, this will really help me keep my part time beastiality hobby safer

Humpty Dumpty has a cracking arse.

My wife has just came in the room going mental at me.

"I'm sick of you and your incessant gambling! You've blown all our money you bastard!
That's it I'm leaving you." she shouted.

I replied "Bet you don't."


FUBAR!!

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RE: The Official Joke Thread
« Reply #8 on: April 13, 2011, 01:58:29 PM »
If you think life is bad... How would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You only get eaten once. It takes 4 minutes to get hard. Only 2 minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys. But worst of all. The only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother. So cheer up... Your life ain't that bad!

Gamefan74

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RE: The Official Joke Thread
« Reply #9 on: April 13, 2011, 03:08:35 PM »
This guy goes over to his friend's house because his friend wanted to show him his new Sniper Rifle.
So his friend peers into the scope and tells him that his wife is cheating on him.
So this guy tells his friend, I want you to shoot my wife in the mouth so she can't talk.
And I want you to shoot him in the dick, for obvious reasons.
His friend replies, "I think I can get that in one shot."

Heather

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RE: The Official Joke Thread
« Reply #10 on: April 13, 2011, 03:13:52 PM »
bulldog eating mayonnaise  hahahahahahahahahaha

FUBAR!!

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RE: The Official Joke Thread
« Reply #11 on: April 13, 2011, 03:21:35 PM »
can't wait to hear gummo's reaction lmao.. glad i could share my jokes with ya'll still have many more... i'll keep them coming...

wolve

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RE: The Official Joke Thread
« Reply #12 on: April 14, 2011, 03:12:41 AM »
I popped round to see the vicar who I live next door to. I said, "Would you mind if I used your computer? My laptops playing up, and I'm in the middle of something important."

He said, "Of course not, come in and help yourself."

I said, "That's great, thanks. I won't make a mess, I've brought my own tissues."

I was in an argument with this bloke and he said," you think your hard!" I replied," yes."He said," prove it."


So i jizzed on his face

My mate invited me over to watch endless variations of the same film, all with no plot, and all with exactly the same ending.
I told him to fuck off, and stayed in to watch some porn instead.

FUBAR!!

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RE: The Official Joke Thread
« Reply #13 on: April 14, 2011, 04:48:28 AM »
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help  the gentleman with. The man said "this is embarrassing  for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.


A young man went up to his father and asked him, "Can I have twenty bucks for a blow job?" His father said, "I don't know. Are you any good?"


A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"


Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

wolve

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RE: Official Joke Thread
« Reply #14 on: April 14, 2011, 03:10:21 PM »
lol